An Adoptee’s Experience: Mother’s Day

Mother’s Day. a day of celebrating motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society.

Mother’s Day. A day of celebrating motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. A day that reminds me that I was abandoned by my birth mother.

Since childhood, I have been told by many individuals how lucky I am to have two mothers. People would say that they admire my birth mother for having the courage and strength to give me up for a better life. They would also say that my adopted mother was a saint and saved me from the horrible life I was living. These individuals will eventually point out that these actions are proof that I am extremely loved. Being a “product” of this love may seem like a wonderful thing, however, the act of adoption can be rooted in unspoken trauma. These false ideas and beliefs that adoption is always a “positive miracle” create a huge internal struggle for an adoptee, especially on Mother’s Day.

For many adoptees, Mother’s Day is a day of wondering about our birth mother.

Is she thinking about me today? Is she wondering what kind of woman I have grown up to be? Would she be proud of me? Has she told her family about me? Or am I a secret she wants to keep hidden?

Some adoptees have been fortunate enough to find more information about their birth mother. Some have even gotten the chance to meet them and have a relationship with them. For most adoptees, however, our birth mother feels like a ghost to us.

On days like Mother’s Day, I often think of my Ghost Kingdom, a term coined by Betty Jean Lipton.

Ghost Kingdoms are the adoptee’s imaginary world of what their life might have been if they weren’t adopted.

Similar to Randell’s Ghost Kingdom in This Is Us, mine always includes my adopted family and my birth mother. In my Ghost Kingdom, my birth mother was typically played by Michelle Kwan, who was the ONLY Asian role model I had as a kid. I would dream of her knocking on my door after getting off her private jet to be a part of my life. The dream would end with both my adopted family and Michelle Kwan living as one big happy family. Other times I would imagine finding her and she would want nothing to do with me since I was an embarrassment as a daughter.

The older I get and the more AAPI* role models that come into my life, the role of my ghost mother has been recast. However, the premises of the dreams have stayed the same. Will I be accepted/welcomed or will I be unwanted/abandoned again?

This fear of abandonment that shows up in my Ghost Kingdom is deeply connected to my adoption experience. Many adoptees, on holidays, have a somatic experience that reminds us of the trauma we experienced as a child. Our bodies carry the trauma of our life experiences and our ancestors. Emotions and triggering events can show up as headaches, stomachaches, back pain, anxiety, depression, and so much more. All of which becomes more apparent on days that remind us about our birth mother.

Adoptees hold so much trauma in their bodies. Many of us, at a young age, experience and hold the trauma that our birth parents went through to make the decision to give us up for adoption. We experience the trauma that our adopted parents went through to make the decision to adopt us (ie: the loss of a child, the inability to have children naturally, and more). We also hold the additional trauma that we experience.

From an early age, I experienced the grief and loss of my birth parents. I was forced to move to a brand new country without any say. I had to trust and rely on strangers (my adoption parents) for my basic needs. I also was not able to verbalize anything I was experiencing since I was only 4 months old when I was adopted. All of this is a lot for anyone to handle.

The emotions and experiences I lived through during that age are deeply embedded in my body. They often resurface in somatic moments that remind me of my birth mother. These feelings can consist of sadness, guilt, shame, anger, pain, helplessness, and more. All of which is normal and a part of the adoptee’s healing process.

Society, however, has taught adoptees to believe it is not acceptable for them to feel anything but grateful when it comes to their adoption. I have been questioned and called selfish for sharing any negative experience about my adoption. Being a “miracle” and product of “love” creates this very narrow viewpoint.

Because of this false belief, holidays can be extremely hard for adoptees. We feel guilty when we think about our Ghost Kingdom and birth mother because we feel that we are betraying our adopted family. Our unseen trauma causes us to struggle internally while everyone else is celebrating holidays that trigger our pain, our loss, and our trauma. We learn ways to fill, fix, and band-aid the hole within our hearts in silence.

With Mother’s Day coming up, I encourage everyone to change the narrative and the way we create space on this day to include the adoptees' experience.

Mother’s Day can be a day of celebrating motherhood, maternal bonds, and the influence of mothers in society. A day to wonder about our Ghost Kingdom and feel the complex somatic experiences of our trauma. A day we can hold multiple truths even if that means acknowledging our pain. A day we can heal and find collective liberation. _______________________________________________________________

*The term AAPI (Asian American Pacific Islander) is helpful when acknowledging and naming the Asian community; however, it also causes harm by leaving out identities that fall under the Asian umbrella. I want to acknowledge this as the community finds a better term to name their beloved community.